Liana-Lois O. Apeh
Many of us must have come across such words at some point in our lives. And for those of us who happen to have brothers growing up, even as seniors, we get to spank them whenever they go wrong or not. Such words as, “Junior keep quiet, and stop crying like a woman!” Or “If you cry one more time, Lucy (obviously a little crush of his standing nearby) will laugh at you!” And one of the most familiar of them all is, “Be strong! And act like a man!”
Sexism which simply ranks one gender as superior to another consciously or unconsciously has played an important role to given more importance to the overall welfare of the girl–child. This is noticeable even in both local and international laws where there are more outcries on the disadvantaged or abused girls. The many NGOs littered in our public spaces have shown from their mission and manifestos that bringing the plight of the girls and women attracts consideration from donors, government agencies, and volunteers, and so sexism at this point becomes somewhat like a blessing in disguise. Truth is, the outcome of this is that the boys are in the shadows, they are neither the vulnerable ones nor the weaker sex.
Rape simply means forced sex. According to Merriam-Webstar.com, Rape is, “unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against a person’s will or with a person who is beneath a certain age or incapable of valid consent because of mental illness, mental deficiency, intoxication, unconsciousness or deception.” This definition suggests that a rapist’s ability to succeed lies in the use of power; it may be physical, mental, psychological, economical, or a combination of more of the aforementioned factors.
Boys Bruise too?
I happen to come across a page on social media where the men gave accounts of their childhood experiences with sexual assault and rape, and dear readers, I shudder at the outpour of nasty experiences they undergo as boys. The tales from sexual abuse from much older girls, sisters, and maids, to outright homosexual rape, are nothing short of heartbreaking. Still fresh in my memory is the tale from one of the Netizens, let me call him Dave. He recounted his years of sexual subjugation by a close male elderly but rich relative, who make sure the little boy goes down on his knees every other day to satisfy him. I will leave the imaginary details out for my readers to decipher. Dave will have to endure this barbarism for more than 12 years before his escape came, a university admission in a state far away from his uncle. According to him, the psychological effects linger still, and even as a grown man, he stated that he sometimes finds sex a repulsive exercise. In his written words, “Sometimes sex with my wife is uneventful and disgusting; it is awkward and as well devastating that I feel the same way even with a woman I love dearly”.
Now, one of the most challenging episodes for victims of sexual assault and rape is the inability to report and insufficient reportage. Rape cases are generally underreported and the reasons are not farfetched. A highly traditional patricidal society such as ours almost at all times stands unparalleled or against the emotions of victims of rape, and when it’s a boy, it gets even worst. For the girls, it’s the effect of the shame coming from being called ‘defiled’ or in a more ‘hit the nail on the head’ reason, the unhealthy idea that such a victim is no longer considered virtuous. But, for the boys, there is a twist to the reason for non reportage. The challenges of masculinity come to play here. The boys keep mute for fear of being called effeminate by their peers. In some cases, there is unfortunately braggadocio in details to keep up with ideals of sexism. The adverse effect of these is that the victim does not act like one, does not understand he is one, or feigns ignorance of being one. Some may move on with their lives maintaining such ideals while others may begin to feel ‘being used’ and psychologically irritated at some points in their lives. Rape/sexual abuse has also been blamed for genophobia or erotophobia-a condition characterized by an excessive and irrational fear of sexual indulgences. Judging from the effects of this, there may be conclusions that many broken marriages and relationships are a result of the aforementioned.
The boys bruise too.
They bruise their bodies, heart, and souls. They cry too, they scream too as well. Boys bleed too. Masculinity is never a simile to denote being unbreakable. It is not a rationale to ‘cheer up’ amidst traumatic tribulations and violent/ non- violent sexual subjugations. Masculinity is having the characteristics of a man who bleeds as well as any living thing in the kingdom Animalia. There is absolutely nothing effeminate about a boy being human, and a victim of sexual abuse remains one irrespective of gender and must be given equal priority by advocacy organizations and authorities.
We must understand that as a prerequisite to a moral and progressive society, our boys must not be cowed to speaking up as victims of rape or/ and sexual abuse. It will be of even greater heart-wrenching pain to create other background predators like you and I who play down on the predicaments of boys who bruise too. Let us begin to have these open conversations to encourage and educate them that masculinity also entails courage when fear or intimidation is arising from any sort.
Our boys are our brothers, uncles, fathers, husbands, imams, priests, and so on. Pray tell, what kind of society do we have when we churn out damaged boys?
